Wednesday, October 27, 2010
Monday, October 11, 2010
Thursday, September 30, 2010
Thursday, August 12, 2010
Stopped by the Predators pro shop today in hopes of finding some new shirts. I am now in a men's medium, which feels good. The women's selection is less than desirable (see my other blog), so I passed on buying anything from that section & got some men's shirts.
I need to find someone to take some pictures for me. I'm not the best at self-portraits, and the photo booth app on my MacBook is only good for so much. I've had a request for pictures, so I better hurry up & find someone to take some.
I tried on a pair of my old pants the other night. I couldn't stop looking at the difference, and didn't know whether to laugh or cry! Laugh because of how far I've come, or cry because of how big I had gotten and thinking about all the things in life I let pass me by because of my weight. Not dating, not going out with friends, all because I was ashamed of my appearance. I faked it pretty well all those years, but inside I was sad. I'm so glad I made the decision to change my life and have the surgery. I feel like my confidence is coming back, and I feel myself smiling more. I'm still insecure sometimes, but that's just part of it. Sometimes it's hard to remember I'm not that girl anymore, and I still have my "I feel fat" moments, but it's getting easier. I'm finding new ways to spend my time, working with some other girls on hockey merchandise for women, so that's exciting. I paid the last of the surgery bills off today too, so now I just need to start working on paying off some debt, then get another job. Still trying to decide about taking some classes too. The world is looking better by the day!
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
Sunday, August 1, 2010
Monday, July 19, 2010
Dr. O seemed concerned that I am losing weight faster than he had anticipated at this point. I told him that I still didn't eat much because I stop when I feel full. He suggested that I add 1-2 protein shakes back in to help get my protein levels up. Between 3 meals, 64 ounces at least of fluid, and now protein shakes, I feel like I can't get it all in! It's a lot for someone who's stomach is the size of an egg.
Speaking of eggs- had my first really bad food experience last week. I was pissed off, and wasn't paying attention to how fast I was eating a hard boiled egg. It got stuck, and came right back up. Man that was painful! I haven't eaten an egg since. Lesson learned- eat slowly, and don't eat when you're mad!
The scale is stuck. I was losing about a pound every 2-3 days, but now I've stayed the same since the 15th. I'm dying for it to move, because I'm only 4 pounds away from my first major goal. I'm trying to decide what my reward to myself will be, as everyone says it's important to celebrate your successes. Clothes aren't an option, food is DEFINITELY not an option, so I'm thinking a 90 minute massage might do the trick, although I'd like to have something tangible to remind me of the accomplishment. Guess I'll have to think some more. I have thought about a new tattoo, but not sure I want to commit to that just yet.
This weekend was Sig Ep's annual summer party, and I was so happy to get to go. It's always great to reconnect with old friends. Now most of us still live around here- Murfreesboro, Bellevue, Nashville, but it was great to see the guys that don't live here anymore. I hadn't seen Randy in probably 14 years, Jace in 3, or Rob in at least 10. We started off at Toot's- a local favorite here in town, and the scene of many dinners during my college years. There were probably at least 20 of us. I was able to find something to eat. Chick on a Stick rocks- I just miss the cherry mustard sauce :( I stressed over what to wear this year, especially after I looked at my pics from last year and wondered why I chose that particular outfit. I was able to return a new pair of jeans for a new pair that was 2 sizes smaller, and found a shirt I loved in the back of my closet. I bought the shirt for my 30th birthday celebration, and surprisingly it fit! Thank goodness, since my backup outfit- a favorite sundress, is now too big.
Here is one of my favorite pics of the night...me & Jace.
It was an absolute blast, and I stayed out waaaaay too late! I got home about 3:30 Sunday morning, and had to be at work just a few hours later, but it was worth it to catch up with old friends. I wish I had taken more pictures, but my camera is so bulky I didn't want to carry it around all night. Here's a link to the pics I did take:
Well, gotta figure out dinner, so when there is more to tell I'll tell it!
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
Haven't had too much to update. I've been back to work for a week (boo!) & am finally on regular consistency foods again. I'm learning what's good & what isn't (veggie dogs=disgusting), but since I can only eat 3-4 ounces per meal, it's not that hard. I can finally have shrimp & crab legs again-YAY!-& I've had the opportunity to indulge in both this week.
Work was pretty tough the first few days. Coming back right before a holiday weekend was hard, but I made it. I've struggled with fluid intake & learned not to take too much Vitamin D at once (hello, dry heaves). I was pretty obsessed with the scale the last couple of weeks, couldn't figure out why it wasn't moving. Lesa made me realize that I need to back away from the scale & maybe not even weigh except at dr. appointments. I've done well after talking to her about it, but I cheated & weighed yesterday, just out of curiosity & I'm down to 213- officially the lowest weight I've been in five years!! Minor victory accomplished. I knew I'd lost some, because I'm now having to go through my old clothes to find things to wear. It's been nice to shop in my closet, finding some of my favorite things fit again. It also sucks, because I'm quickly finding that they are getting too big too. I know, what a horrible problem to have, right? But I loathe shopping. I guess because I hated it so much the bigger I got. Now, I'm kinda excited to shop, but know that I can't spend too much money because soon those clothes will be too big as well. Went shopping yesterday, but didn't find anything. That always happens when I have money to spend. I held onto Christmas & birthday cash just for such reasons, but I know as soon as I spend it, I'll find things I like & won't be able to buy them.
I've started interval training, & so far it's been ok. I really want to run a 5K by the beginning of next year. I'm ready to start weight training again, but I haven't been cleared to lift yet. I enjoy weights so much more than cardio, but both are important. I go back to Dr. O on the 15th, so hopefully he will clear me to start doing more. I've only been working out at home, but I'm ready to get back to the gym. I also want to look into Zumba & yoga classes. Anything to keep me interested in exercise, as I get bored very easily.
I'm looking for a new job. I just don't believe that my purpose in life is to sell groceries. I'm also still looking into school. Jill told me I'd make a great teacher, but I can't afford that pay cut. Desiree is trying to find me a job where she works. It would be Monday-Friday, 8-5. I haven't had a schedule like that since 2000 when I worked at the newspaper. It would be great to have weekends off & a schedule where I don't have to worry about asking off for events & hockey games. I hope something opens up, I'm growing very weary of the retail business, & I'm not sure I like the direction our company is headed. By giving up my store my stress level is much lower, but I dread going to work daily. It just doesn't mean anything to me. It's hard to work in an environment where I don't feel I serve a purpose.
Speaking of work, I gotta go get ready. Will update again when I have anything interesting to say.
Friday, June 18, 2010
Monday is a blur, as is most of Tuesday. I do remember mom's friends from work coming by- they all had the surgery too, so it was nice to meet them. Wednesday I got up and walked some & took a shower- that felt great, but it wore me out. They released me Thursday and I went home with my mom for a few days. Unjury protein did NOT agree with me- it's like sand. After my shower & subsequent 2 hour nap, Mom & I went out on Friday to see Uncle Shorty & to go to GNC & find another protein source. After we got home I was so exhausted. The new protein was nasty too. Ugh. Saturday was the worst...my back hurt all day, I felt sick to my stomach. I stayed on the couch all day w/ a heating pad. I thought I was dying.
Sunday I turned the corner a little bit. I convinced mom that I was ready to go home to Murfreesboro. Hershey was very good- he didn't jump on me or anything. Mom straightened up the house, for which I was VERY grateful. I settled in on the couch and actually didn't feel too bad. Still struggled with the protein though. Did I mention it's nasty?
Monday I braved the scale for the first time. Did my eyes deceive? Had I REALLY lost 13 pounds in a week?!? Apparently it was true. Tuesday I went to Zach's baseball game, and just walking from the car to the field & back killed me! It was great to get out though. Wednesday I visited a friend at his store, then went to Target w/ Jill & Khalil. That REALLY made me tired. Got home and just hung out till bedtime.
My follow up with Dr. Olsen was yesterday. He chided me for not getting my fluids in, so I am really trying. It's not as easy as it sounds, since you have to sip everything. I did get another week off of work since I was misinformed of when the 2 weeks off was supposed to start (discharge, not surgery day). Can't say I'm sad about not going back, except for the boredom. Since April 1 I have lost 25 pounds, most of those since last Monday. I am almost to the lowest weight I have known in 5 years!
Today I dusted off the treadmill (not ready for the gym again quite yet, as I am only able to walk in intervals) and it felt good! My bone spur didn't bother me at all for the first time in 2 years! I did two walks at 15 minutes each, getting up to 2.2 speed. Slooooow! It took me 30 minutes to walk a mile- that is slow for what I used to be able to do! It will get easier, and hopefully I'll be running again in no time. I really want to do a 5K by the first of the year.
Not eating sucks. I am DYING for something with taste & consistency. Eggs, yogurt, cottage cheese- ANYTHING! I can't advance to soft food until next Thursday (if I can hold out), so for now it's water, popsicles, ice, & broth (sound familiar?). Dr. O said to get fluids in first, then worry about protien, so that's what I am doing.
Well, now that I have caught up, I'm going back to my slushie (ice=chewable!). Will update when there is something to tell.
Saturday, June 5, 2010
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
I started the liquids on Saturday- broth, water, jello, water, protein shake, broth, jello, protein shake- you get the picture. I did ok day one, but day 2 was awful! I woke up Sunday with a horrible sinus headache, but took my allergy medicine and went to work. By the end of the work day, the headache had gone from a sinus headache to a hunger headache. I felt horrible. I called my mom and we decided that it would be ok for me to eat some solid food (she's a nurse, I trust her judgement). I also ate 1 meal of solid food on Monday, but tried as much liquid as possible. Doing this on a holiday weekend made it really hard- especially when I was outside helping grill ribs!!
Today is day 4- the only solid food I've had is a few pickles. Everthing else has been liquid. By the way chicken broth > beef broth. The good news is I've lost about 3 pounds. I was hoping to lose about 10 before surgery, but now I don't care as long as this phase passes quickly! I know I'll be on liquids for a few more weeks, but I won't be as hungry so I think I'll manage better. Also, working in a grocery store is horrible when all you can consume are liquids....I really want a cookie! But, I have to remind myself that nothing will taste as good as being healthy feels. I can't give in to the many temptations I am surrounded by at work every day. I'm sure it will get easier, but right now it really sucks. Guess I will have to lock myself in the house all weekend, because it is required to be on all liquids Saturday & Sunday. Yeah, right, I'd go stir crazy! Gonna be hard though.
I'm looking forward to being able to prepare my own meals. I bought a great cookbook for people who have had WLS and I'm excited to get into it and see what new things I can try. I've never been much on cooking, since I live alone, but I think it will be fun.
Only 2 more work days till I am off. This is a much needed break from work, even though things are much better now that I gave up the stress of being a store manager. The new store is good, very quiet, not a lot of problems, which is a nice change. I think I really made the right decision by stepping down. Plus, who doesn't like to sleep in several days a week?! I like the people here, and the other managers are great. It is a whole lot more laid back, which I love! Not to say there isn't any stress- I'm over departments that have some issues, but all stores have issues.Got a lot to get done before Monday, like pack for the hospital, arrange transportation to the hospital, and get with my sister on house sitting. I've got to make sure everything is in order, clean house, and all that fun stuff. Plus, I'm trying to squeeze in a movie with my BF Jill. Guess I better get to planning!
Friday, May 28, 2010
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
I attended my pre-op class on May 11. The first part was all about the surgery and what to expect, etc. Then the dietitian came and talked to us about supplements, the 4 phases of eating after surgery, and how all of the habits I have now will change. For example, after surgery you can't eat and drink together or you run the risk of overeating since the liquids will push your food through more quickly. It will be a real challenge to not have a sip of something to drink during meals. You have to stop drinking 30 minutes prior to eating and can't drink again until at least 30 after your meal. You also have to consume your protein first and then if you are still hungry you can have some low-carb vegetables from "the list". You have to chew each bite at least 20 times to make sure it will be able to be swallowed. So much to learn about how to eat! But after 35 years, I guess the way I've done it hasn't worked so it's time to try something new.
After the class was over, I paid my surgery deposit and headed over to the hospital to have my pre-op lab work done. Apparently they didn't schedule me so I had to wait a lot longer than planned, ruining my lunch plans in Franklin. It wouldn't have been a big deal, but since I don't get to see the person I was having lunch with often, it kinda sucked. At least I got my surgery stuff & hospital charges paid for before leaving.
The day only got worse from there. Actually, the whole week got worse from there. First I had a run in with the district HR guy about my schedule. So sorry I had to take off for pre op stuff! This was after the run in I had with him on Monday about my review. So I enjoyed the rest of my day off and my day off the next day too. Thursday I went to a walk through at another store, and returned to my store to get ready for the big review meeting on Friday.
Friday I met with my district manager, and apparently I am not running my store well. I had a feeling all week they were out to get me, so I took some time and considered the offer they made me to step down as a store manager and return to being an assistant. It hurt, I'm not going to lie. I felt like a failure. I felt like I hadn't gotten the support I needed and that I was going to look like the loser while someone else will go in there and look like a hero. After a lot of prayer and talking it over with lots of friends & family, I took the offer. Luckily I don't lose any salary, so in the long run this move might be better for me. It is definitely less stress already. Mt. Juliet is a lot quieter than Charlotte Pike!
As the day gets closer, I am getting more and more excited. I know this is going to give me a better outlook on life, and that I will gain so much from this experience. With at least the work stress down, I can concentrate on me. Now if I could just figure out what to do with the personal life stress.
So, 19 days. My life is going to change dramatically. Maybe by then I will be able to stop letting things bother me. I have more important things to worry about, like the liquid diet that is coming up and looking into taking some classes to change careers. I have to remind myself that I am all that matters right now. I pray for strength to do the things I need to do. I pray that I am able to resolve the issues I am having. I pray that these 19 days pass quickly so I can start my new life!
Sunday, May 9, 2010
I haven't always had a weight problem. In fact, I didn't really start to notice that I was gaining weight at all until after college. I was pretty active up until then, but once I went to work at a "sit down" job, I noticed that I was gaining weight more quickly. I loved my lunch hour, it was the only time I left the office. I needed that hour every day to get outside, but that usually meant meeting up with co-workers for lunch somewhere. Las Palmas was a favorite. Unfortunately, I had also become less active than in recent years, so the weight crept up quickly. I changed jobs and went back into the retail world, where sitting down is a luxury, not a job requirement.
In 2003, I topped 200 lbs. for the first time. I decided to try the Atkins diet. I did well with it, staying on it for about 6 months and losing 30 lbs. I was down to about 170 in January 2004 when I was sent to California for three weeks for work. I was able to maintain that weight, so when I went to Hawaii in February 2004, I let myself enjoy my vacation, and fell completely off the wagon. The weight came back. I tried to go back to Atkins, but when you haven't had pasta in 6 months, and then you rediscover it....well, let's just say my love affair with carbs was re-born.
From then on, I have struggled to maintain my weight. The two most successful things I have tried in recent years were Weight Watchers & phentermine/exercise/food journal. Weight Watchers was great at first. I lost 5 lbs. the first week. Then my Nana died, and I gained it all back. I stayed with it and eventually lost 25 lbs., but never broke the 200 mark. Plus, as much as I hate math, the constant tracking & adding points was a pain. Got bored with it, gained the weight plus some back. The phentermine was a good plan too, it gave me LOTS of energy. I bought a treadmill and used it almost daily. I lost 25-30 lbs., felt great, looked good. Then I developed bone spurs in my heels. Walking became excruciating for me. Needless to say my exercise regimen took a major hit. I got depressed and eventually gave up, only to gain the weight plus some back again.
I had almost decided that this was just my lot in life, to be overweight. I was tired of trying. Only after a visit to my Dr. for a yearly physical did I decide that I needed to try one more time. See, at that particular visit I was diagnosed with metabolic syndrome, or insulin resistance. Basically, I was on a fast track to having type 2 diabetes, which scared the crap out of me. I asked her about weight loss surgery and if this would be an option for me. She agreed that it was worth investigating and gave me contact information for a local practice. This was last summer. I attended a informational seminar and a support group, where I met several people who answered questions for me. I decided the Lap Band would be my choice. I requested the required paperwork and set out to get the ball rolling. I took my time, reading, researching, praying, and finally turned in the paperwork in October 2009. Afterward, started having second thoughts. Not about the procedure, but the practice itself. My mom works for HCA, and has a co-worker that had bypass surgery. She sent me lots of information and I decided that I wanted to change practices. I called the Centennial Center for the Treatment of Obesity and instantly felt good about my decision. I chose Dr. Douglas Olsen as my surgeon upon the recommendation of my mother's co-worker. I filled out all of their paperwork, and was ready to schedule the procedure for the beginning of 2010.
In December 2009, I developed gall stones and had to have my gall bladder removed in January 2010. This obviously set my plans back a little. Finally in March 2010, I made the last two appointments to meet my insurance requirements. The psych evaluation was scary for me. I know I'm of sound mind, but you never know. I was cleared by the psychiatrist with the warning that my evaluation had shown that I sometimes have problems following rules. You think? If I had more self control, I probably wouldn't be doing this! In April I met with Dr. Olsen for my consultation. I went in with an open mind, and after discussing my options with him, decided that the bypass, not the band, was going to be a better choice for me. I needed a more restrictive option, since I have problems following rules. They talk about dumping syndrome, and since I hate to get sick, thought this could help keep me in line and not eat things I'm not supposed to.
So that brings us to today. I have met all of my insurance requirements to cover my surgery as medically necessary. I have scheduled the procedure, and now I'm just waiting. I meet with the dietitian Tuesday, and have my pre-surgery blood work done too. 28 days.... and I'm starting to get a little stressed about it. Add that to the stress from work this past week (Nashville flood), and uncertainty about another aspect of my personal life, and I am one big ball of stress! Luckily I have a great support system in my family & friends. They have all been so supportive and I am so thankful, as I will need their support more than ever now. It's going to be hard, but I am determined to do this and be successful. As stressed and anxious as I am right now, I can't wait to start living my life again! Please pray that I can reduce my stress these next four weeks. I need all the prayers I can get!! I hope I'll keep up with this, so I can look back & see how far I've come.